Letter to Kevin:

Dear Kevin,

You are probably the filthiest animal I have ever met. You are also incredibly needy and whiny. You spend most of your day sitting in the window watching the Portuguese men standing outside of a bar. You tend to be depressed most of the time. You attack puppies. You also steal toys from other dogs at the park. I almost never leave the dog park without having screamed at you like a crazy person to stop doing something inappropriate at least once. When you were a puppy you would never let me near you when we were outside. I remember on one occasion I chased after you at the park in the middle of January for over an hour trying to put a leash on you, my fingers were so frozen I couldn’t feel them for the rest of the day. I sincerely regretted owning you that afternoon. Another time I just left you there to find your own way home. You bark at people and jump on them when they come to the door. This scares the crap out of at least half of them. I have a scar on my left knee from trying to break up a fight between you and a rottweiler. Seriously Kevin, I could go on like this all afternoon. I’m not sure if every dog is as difficult and sensitive as you are, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t.

The day I got you a strange man from Hamilton came to my door and handed you to me. I remember specifically asking the strange man from Hamilton to bring me a girl dog, as he had told me the girl puppies were far more relaxed. I had a look down at your genetalia, you had two lumps, one on your tummy (umbilical hernia) and another was what turned out to be your penis. I had no idea at the time that puppies did not have testicals. I looked at you and told the guy from Hamilton, “I’m pretty sure you’ve brought me the wrong dog.” He responded with “Nope, this is the right dog. It’s the only one I brought, do you want him or not?” I couldn’t let you go back to Hamilton with the strange man so I brought you inside. I put you down on the tile floor and your poor little legs found the floor too slippery so you did a spread eagle like Bambi on the icy pond. I snapped my fingers on both sides of your head to see if you would respond, you didn’t. So yeah, I panicked a bit. I had a gender ambiguous, deaf dog that couldn’t stand up. Within about 24 hours you kind of came around and seemed a little smarter.  A vet cleared up my concerns about your parts.  And so my life with you began. Even though you are the biggest dirt bag ever, you are also incredibly clever and cuddly. You let me teach you to dance like Micheal Jackson, this has been a major perk in knowing you. You’ve taught me a lot Kevin, mostly a lot about patience. But also that I shouldn’t take things so seriously. The guy from Hamilton was right, you were the right dog for me. Anyway Kevin, have a happy 3rd Birthday. You get better every year.

The person who feeds you.

XXOO